Special Preview: ‘I’ve Had Bigger’ by Jeff Rice

Jeff Rice was voted “Most Likely to Star in a Movie” his senior year of high school. That was the first of many times that he failed to live up to expectations. Jeff currently lives with his wife, Julie, and daughter, Ella, in Sterling Heights, Michigan, where he is a part-time writer, a part-time graphic designer, and a part-time googler.

I’ve Had Bigger and Other Things My Wife Said

I've Had Bigger Cover Art (3.13)Did you ever want to prank your wife everyday, write about the results, and publish them online without her knowledge?

That’s exactly what Jeff Rice did in 2011.

Now, the popular blog series will be available as a book for the first time ever, revised and updated with an all-new conclusion from the author.

Don’t miss how this prank ends.

Release Date: April 1, 2014

Happy April Fool’s Day from The Fly Came Near It!

Preview: “That’s What She Said”

This might seem like a home run to the common person. This phrase caught fire with Beavis & Butthead in the 90’s and has resurfaced with a much greater following with the American version of The Office in recent years. It’d say that I used the phrase at least once a day. However, Ju-Ju did not. She’s never seen Beavis & Butthead, and she’s a girl and doesn’t think 12-year-old-boy humor is funny. She’s more apt to laugh at a good make-up joke. If I had one to use, I would use it right now. That’s what she said! Sorry, I got used to saying it.

This wasn’t going to be as easy as just saying some mildly sexual double entendres here and there. I was going to have to first implant the phrase into her head. To do this, I was going to take it overboard. It wasn’t going to make sense.

“Jeff, what do you want for dinner tonight?”
“That’s what she said!”

I said it after everything for the first day or so. Not so much that it was an effective way to teach her the phrase, but more so that the phrase would be constantly fresh in her mind. I had to get it in there deep. That’s what she said!

“Jeff, what should I wear tonight?”
“That’s what she said!”
“That doesn’t even make sense. Seriously, what should I wear?”

Once I had overused the phrase, I decided to start an opposite trend and use phrases that it would make sense to follow with, “That’s what she said.”

On setting up the Christmas tree: “Remember how much trouble I had getting it up?”
While holding a tube of toothpaste: “That just squirted everywhere!”
While taking a piece of gum: “Ugh, this is so hard. It hurts my jaw.”
I could go on, and I will. While loading the dishwasher: “It’s really hard to fit it in the right slot.”

Annnnd…nothing. She was like a stone. Hard as a rock. That’s what she said!

As the weekend progressed, I learned the downfall of Ju-Ju’s friends knowing about this. Everyone wanted her to say the phrase in front of them and would resort to any tactic to get her to say it.

For example, Ju-Ju’s friend Dena tried this exchange while celebrating her birthday:

“Hey, I’m so drunk right now. That’s what she said!”
“What?”
“I don’t remember what I just said. I think I blacked out. Can you repeat it?”
“I’m so drunk right now. That’s what she said.”

A celebratory squeal was then followed by a full report. Yes, it was Dena’s birthday, but no, I wasn’t counting it. Sorry, Dena.

I had been making it too difficult for myself. Ju-Ju wasn’t going to see the humor in the phrase. All of my pushing and pulling had resulted in zero satisfaction. That’s what she said! I needed to make her say the phrase in a serious manner. Duh, Jeff.

“Jeff, my mom is on her way over here to take us to breakfast.”
“No, she’s not.”
“Yes, she is.”
“Ju-Ju, are you sure she’s actually on her way?”
“Yes! Now, get ready.”
“But, how do you know?”
“Because, that’s what she said.”

And, there it was. Sometimes you have to take the back door in…

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