The Groomzilla Files #1

by Brandon James Anderson

Earlier this month I noted that I’ll be chronicling my adventures in wedding planning. For our first installment of “The Groomzilla Files,” we’ll take a look at one of those details that is sometimes seen as an afterthought with weddings, the marriage officiant.

Sure, many times a bride (or groom) wants to get married at the church or place of worship in which he/she grew up attending. In these instances, it’s quite reasonable that the ceremony’s officiant holds sentimental value to the couple and perhaps their family as well. Other times couples opt to hold the wedding and reception in the same venue. Either way, the officiant is of little concern to the wedding’s guests.

Having a close friend serve as the officiant can be a nice, thoughtful idea. Here’s the problem: it’s played out. Phoebe from Friends had Joey officiate her wedding to Paul Rudd and that was over a decade ago. The whole “anyone can get ordained on the world wide web!” thing is outdated.

So, the suggestion I posed to my wonderful fiancé was that we go big and hire an officiant who will take our special day to the next level.

Who, you ask?

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper, that’s who.

Presenting this idea to Alli, I explained that having someone who hails from my ancestral home of Glasgow officiate the ceremony would be a great and respectful way to honor my Scottish heritage. Not yet sold on the idea, I assured her that we could secure The Rowdy One for less than three grand. This was a statement I soon found to be an underestimate as a quick search on my phone concluded that The Hot Rod doesn’t roll out of bed for less than $7,500. This information did little to help my cause, but can you really put a price on making your wedding the most memorable event any of your guests will ever witness?

Ever the elegant wordsmith, I informed Alli that in order to entertain the audience (yes, I refer to our wedding’s guests as the audience), we need “that ‘wow factor’ coming down the aisle.” This, it should be noted, did not go over well, despite my clarification that I meant we needed something coming down the aisle to serve as an opening act before the main event that is my bride-to-be.

In the nature of things, Alli had the gull to dismiss this idea out of hand stating that she would not be blowing the entire budget on “some wrestling guy.” Every time the suggestion is presented before our friends and families — and, on a few occasions, even strangers we had just met — there is always somebody who A) knows exactly who “Rowdy” Roddy Piper is and B) agrees with me that they would never forget a wedding in which The Hot Rod married the bride and groom. It may not be what the bride wants, but it’s an idea that no less than 12-16% of the audience will absolutely love.

Sure, The Hot Rod’s asking price may be a little steep, but the chance to have the most famous and acclaimed Scot since William Wallace come down the aisle to the sound of bagpipes and snare drums is a dream upon which I will not easily give up.

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One thought on “The Groomzilla Files #1

  1. Pretty funny, Brandon, I am now following this blog! And, just to be a picky speller/grammarian- it’s ‘gall’; gull, as far as I know, is the singular for those ‘rats with wings’ (or are those pigeons?!) that frequent SD beaches in droves. 😉

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