The Groomzilla Files #5

by Brandon James Anderson

One of the benefits of having a longer engagement is the opportunity to allow ideas to grow. Like a tomato plant in a garden, the ideas I’ve developed for my wedding over the past several months have had the opportunity to develop. That’s not to say that all my ideas, both previously expressed and yet to come, are fully ripe. Some will likely be sporting shades of green and there may even be a select few that end up being rotten altogether.

Along with my longer engagement comes the fact that this blog series does not happen in a vacuum. My ideas, no matter how ripe or rotten, have received feedback with every post. Such was the case with our last installment. Several people remarked that they loved the VIP bracelet and tiered seating concepts. This only reinforces my thinking that most of my ideas are fantastic and also tells me that the masses are ready to embrace a change in pace to the way we typically think of weddings.

So, naturally, I’ve looked at other areas where American wedding tradition could use some modification and one such wedding traditions that’s probably run its course is the dollar dance. Queuing up to pay $1 to dance with the bride or groom may seem like a fun way for the guests to spend a little time with the happy couple, but it’s also pretty much down time for those not participating or those who have just finished their 20 seconds of face-time with one of the newlyweds.

Plus, I would imagine the tradition started as a way to help the newlyweds start to build a nest egg as they begin their lives together. These days, the stigma of getting married in one’s late 20’s or 30’s (such as myself) is gone. People are getting married at a later age in life so the need to collect a dollar bill from anyone within arm’s reach like a 15-year-old girl walking down the halls of her high school on her birthday in the 1990’s is an antiquated concept.

Not to belabor the point, but it’s 2015. The value of a dollar is nowhere near what it used to be. Forget slow dancing for $1, I say we introduce something more adventurous to modern day wedding receptions, something I like to call “Hundred Dollar Fight Club.”

Okay, I can hear groans from some of you and shrieks of excitement from others. Either way, hear me out: I don’t have all the particulars worked out yet, but let’s imagine the reception has been going strong for a few hours. But there comes a time in which everyone needs to take a break from the dance floor or find a way out of an awkward conversation with someone they don’t know. That’s where “Hundred Dollar Fight Club” comes to the rescue.

Let's face it, the dollar dance has run its course. It's time for high stakes, high risk wedding day festivities. It's time for "Hundred Dollar Fight Club."

Let’s face it, the dollar dance has run its course. It’s time for high stakes, high risk wedding day festivities. It’s time for “Hundred Dollar Fight Club.”

The rules are simple: if people want to see a fight between two consenting guests, all they have to do is throw money into a cowboy boot that makes its way around the room (snakeskin, faux-leather, it doesn’t matter — again, we’ve got time for this idea to ripen). Once the money in the boot reaches $100, the fight will take place. These competitors could be groomsmen who are looking to go the extra mile to ensure #brandonsbigday is every bit the story of legend it is destined to become, or the participants can be any number of wedding guests looking for their moment of glory.

In the case of my own reception, if we’re really adventurous, we can move the action off the dance floor and onto the roof of downtown Alpena’s Center Building. Perhaps there’s even an opportunity to dip into the budget for flowers and decorations and buy a few empty oil barrels to make the roof look like a stage from Street Fighter 2: Turbo.

We can also make it a tournament. Despite the “Fight Club” name, we can structure this idea after Brad Pitt’s other, less famous fighting movie, Snatch, with the winner of each fight getting a (extremely minimal) cut of the collected funds.

Hell, we can even change it to “Thousand Dollar Fight Club” and Brandy Appleseed himself can take off his suit jacket and enter the fray. Then again, considering my collegiate record in “Hair vs. Hair” matches stands at 0-2, that may not be a fully ripened idea…

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