The Groomzilla Files #7

By Brandon James Anderson

As of this week, I have less than two months to go before my nuptials. Now that #brandonsbigday is in sight, I’m starting to feel a sense of urgency. Which, from having spent the past several months talking to others about their own wedding experiences, is quite the norm. Even in talking to those who have had long engagements such as mine and Alli’s, the “It comes up on you quick!” feeling seems to be consistent for everyone when planning a wedding. And though there’s been over a year for me to prepare for the day,

Luckily, I anticipated the day sneaking up on me when it come to one aspect of being engaged: getting in shape.

I’ve mentioned before in this series that I’ve been a groomsmen a great many times. So in terms of being in a wedding party, this is not my first rodeo. It is, of course, my day to shine as the star of the big day. Which is why I’ve spent the last several months dieting and working out.

And my exercise regime of choice? Believe it or not, yoga.

Since March this green mat has been my gym.

Since March this green mat has been my gym.

Since March I’ve been doing yoga workouts three to four times a week and it’s actually worked well. I’ve dropped 30 pounds since that time and have found myself to be in the best shape of my life. I won’t use this post to expound the virtues of a $75 pack of DVDs from a professional wrestler who was marginally famous in the mid-90’s, but the months of commitment I’ve put forward has worked out pretty well.

My concern, however, is that I’ll soon get tired of doing these workouts and/or may just stop with them completely once the wedding comes and goes. Thus, for the benefit of any other engaged men reading this (or anyone else looking for “non-traditional” ways to get in shape), I thought I’d share some ways I can continue on the exercise kick these next two months.

For starters, I could run a race such as a marathon. Okay, that was a joke. There’s no way in hell I’ll be running a marathon soon (or ever). But, the annual Crim Festival of Races in my hometown of Flint is coming up later this month. And the last time I participated in the Crim was roughly 1991 when I ran in the “Teddy Bear Trot” as a seven-year-old child. What better way to burn calories and build confidence in my physical progress than by entering myself back into a race designated for children 12 years and under and absolutely dominating?

Perhaps the best way to make sure I keep up with exercising after the wedding is to make sure I don’t preemptively start taking days off including the big day itself. Since the wedding itself is slated for the afternoon, I technically will have the morning wide open. Which will actually be more than enough time to start a new modern American wedding tradition of the groom participating in a three-on-three basketball tournament. In theory, this could work like a simple Gus Macker tournament with a few touches to make the groom the focal point of the event.

First, the groom can be first captain and pick his two running mates. The guys leftover, be they groomsmen or other people who just happen to be on the court that morning, can then shoot for teams. From there, the groom can decide whether his team wants to play first and can start the tournament on the court or on the sidelines planning strategy. And, finally, the groom should be afforded no less than three of the following conditions:

  • Any shot made by the groom within the 3-point line may count as a three, any shot made outside the 3-point can be considered a MTV Rock N’ Jock style “4-pointer.”
  • Any time the groom attempts a shot, one of this teammates must loudly mimic commentary from the early 90’s arcade version of NBA Jam, including phrases such as “He’s heating up!” “Razzle dazzle!” and the classic “Boomshackalacka!”
  • If the groom is being guarded by a pesky defender, it shall be within the groom’s rights to smack the wrists of said defender at least twice during the course of play.
  • Should the groom be unable to dunk or, in my own case, claims he actually can dunk but does not want to risk an ankle injury the morning of his wedding, he shall be allotted the opportunity to be lifted up by the tallest person on the court, brought to the rim, and allowed to dunk and hang onto the rhyme for a minimum of five seconds while shouting expletives at an opposing team member of his choice. Should the backboard break during this described scenario, the groom reserves the right to review and edit an video footage so as to ensure any such videos edit out the groom being lift up to the rim should said videos be uploaded to social media.

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