All the President’s (Fictional) Men

by Katie Heid

The 2016 Presidential Election is one year away, yet the process has the potential to burn us out long before the polls open. Rather than wallow in the three-ring circus that is American politics, I decided to dream up my own version of America’s leadership based on television characters.

President – Jed Bartlett (The West Wing)

This President defeated terrorists, improved education, cut crime, built bridges with anti-American nations, and doted on his family all while battling Multiple Sclerosis. His calm demeanor paired well with his tough attitude. Rest assured, Bartlett’s America was in good hands.

Vice President – Cosmo Kramer (Seinfeld)

The K-man would follow perfectly in Joe Biden’s goofy footsteps. Kramer could hob-nob with diplomats and break the ice when school-aged children visit D.C. Incidentally, he also knows a few karate moves and has previous experience running for office.

Secretary of State Elizabeth McCord (Madam Secretary)

Outspoken and tactful, Elizabeth McCord is fourth-in-line to the presidency and embodies everything the United States’ top foreign diplomat should. The former CIA agent boasts brains, beauty, and humor. Plus she always strikes the perfect balance between her work and family.

Press Secretary – Michael Scott (The Office)

He’s articulate when he has to be, but most of his time is spent pulling his foot out of his mouth. He can weigh in on domestic and foreign matters all while providing clunky sound bites for the media. It’s a hard job, but somebody’s got to do it. (That’s what she said.)

Treasury Secretary — Chris Traeger (Parks and Recreation)

The Pawnee, Indiana City Manager is LITERALLY the best candidate for this job. He can crunch numbers like nobody’s business, all while smiling and completing a marathon.

Attorney General – Ben Matlock (Matlock)

The Atlanta-based attorney never met a case he couldn’t crack. An unreasonably high number of his clients were wrongly accused of murders – and he got them off while tricking the real killer into confessing on the stand. If Matlock chose to resign his post, Diagnosis Murder’s Dr. Mark Sloan or Murder, She Wrote’s J.B. Fletcher would be natural replacements.

Department of Commerce – Jack Donaghy (30 Rock)

It would be an all-out Jack Attack if this character oversaw the Department of Commerce. Previous experience includes netting record profits for G.E., navigating the murky waters of Kabletown, and mentoring a disheveled television writer named Liz Lemon. Plus, he knows about conflict resolution.

Surgeon General(s) – Dr. John Dorian or Dr. Christopher Turk (Scrubs)

I can’t do this all on my own ‘cause I’m no Superman…or so the opening credits go. When these two doctors put their heads together, they equal one competent physician. It’s a prescription for success.

Department of Homeland Security – Jethro Leory Gibbs (NCIS)

This special agent of the Naval Criminal Investigation Unit defends his country, solves crimes, looks out for his unit, and builds an awesome boat from scratch. Just like any loving colleague, he’ll slap sense into you if needed. Safe and sound never looked so good.

Department of Transportation – Michael Knight (Knight Rider)

If there’s anyone who knows about getting from Point A to Point B, it’s Michael Knight.  Underlings could rock pleather jackets on Casual Fridays. And if Michael was ever incapacitated, his car Kitt could literally run the department on auto-pilot.

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